Rocky Vs. Cocaine Bear (Mighty Cawl review)

Earliest known poster for The Mighty Cawl's Movie Musings - S1 E1: Rocky vs. Cocaine Bear.

What happens when the Italian Stallion meets natures unstoppable, powder-powered killer? The boxing match of the century, that’s what. (Satire)

The Stallion And The Bear

Welcome to the first edition of The Mighty Cawl's Movie Musings, where I offer up opinions and analysis of the movies from the Gnomon Chronicles. Can you watch these movies? No. No you can’t. That’s why you have to read my weekly column instead! Otherwise, how else will you keep up to date with the world of Gnomon Cinema? Here’s your answer: you won’t be able to… so read on!

My first expert critical analysis will be on the seminal 1984 classic, Rocky vs. Cocaine Bear, an all time great, cult classic sports movie in which world heavyweight boxing champion faces a bear that has ingested a ridiculous amount of cocaine in an exhibition match funded by a rogue member of PETA. Seriously, it’s as crazy as it sounds, and yet somehow even better.

A Bear In The Chair

Earliest known poster for Rocky vs. Cocaine Bear.

This film was a deeply important one in Sylvester Stallone’s career, as it was the first (and to my knowledge, only) film in which he both co-directed and co-starred with an animal, Ice the Bear. Sly has often praised Ice’s directorial prowess, claiming it held great skill both behind the camera, and in front of it.

The plot was written by Garfield the cat after he accidentally dropped some cocaine in his lasagne (Garfield has recently sued Elizabeth Banks for using the character of cocaine bear, he’s yet to hear back…), who then sent the script to Ice and Stallone (Ice also sued Banks for using a CGI doppelgänger without her permission, and she is also yet to hear back…), who both loved it so much they decided to team up.

Thus, Rocky Vs. Cocaine Bear was born. Whilst the crew was understandably scared at first to be working on set with a live bear (Eric Andre can attest to that), they soon all got along. After all, the 80s were crazy, how much crazier is a bear in the director’s chair? After what is known as one of the most graceful production processes of a film ever, the film released to… a mixed reception in the year of our lord 1984.

Do You Speak Bear?

Why mixed, you ask? Well, a lot of critics argue that the film is only half comprehensible, as half of it was indeed directed by a non-verbal bear. Thus, the storyline for the bear was deeply criticised for being tough to follow as Ice insisted there were no subtitles to allow for an authentic bear experience. Rocky’s half of the story, however, was of course a great success.

Upon hearing that a cocaine-fueled bear is entering the world of competitive sports, Rocky and his best bud Apollo Creed prepare for the ultimate boxing bout in a charity exhibition match against the titular bear. Their training montage, set to Bonnie Tyler’s iconic Holding Out For A Hero, in which they learn the way of the bear from the great master Beariah, is generally considered one of the Rocky franchises’ best.

The controversial at the time romantic subplot between Rocky and Apollo is now fondly remembered for adding an extra layer of tragedy to Rocky IV as he holds his dying friend in his arms, although the moment where Apollo tearfully realises his heart will always belong to his wife (until he cheats on her again) is bound to get even the driest eyes a bit moist.

This Does Put A Smile On My Face

Earliest known poster for Batman v Cocaine Bear: Dawn of Blow.

Despite half the film being unintelligible, there’s no denying that Rocky Vs Cocaine Bear was yet another heart-warming and inspirational entry into the Rocky canon, with the final fight, in which Rocky, Apollo, and Cocaine Bear team up to battle Thanos (played with a dark finesse by Arnold Schwarzenegger) and utilise the power of friendship and sportsmanship to defeat him is incredible (although watching the bear eat Thanos perhaps undercut the message slightly).

It's a shame that the sequel, Batman Vs Cocaine Bear: Dawn Of Blow, never got greenlit due to this ones mixed critical reception, because we could’ve had another cult classic on our hands…

In the News

• 

  Cocaine Deer is a 2023 animated horror drama animal adventure film about a young deer who goes on a cocaine-fueled rampage.

• 

  Being Alive There is a 1983 American dance musical buddy film starring Peter Sellers and John Travolta.

• 

  Cocaine Dormammu is a 2023 superhero horror film about an interdimensional demon which goes on a cocaine-fueled rampage.

• 

  The Mighty Cawl's Movie Musings is a movie review television series written and hosted by The Mighty Cawl.

Fiction cross-reference

• Batman Vs Cocaine Bear: Dawn Of Blow
• Being Alive There
• Cocaine Deer
• Gnomon algorithm
• Gnomon Chronicles

Nonfiction cross-reference

• Gnomon Chronicles (nonfiction)

External links

• [ Post] @ Twitter (7 March 2023)

• Cocaine Bear @ Wikipedia
• Cocaine Bear - trailer @ YouTube
• Cocaine Bear (2023) Carnage Count @ YouTube
• All deaths in Cocaine Bear @ YouTube
• Two Hikers Encounter the Cocaine Bear (2023) @ YouTube
• Coked-Out Peter Forgets That Bears Can Climb Trees @ YouTube
• Kids try cocaine @ YouTube
• Chasing down the ambulance @ YouTube
• #cocainebear (2023) KILL COUNT @ YouTube

• Rocky @ Wikipedia
• Rocky - trailer @ YouTube